Wedding Rejection Letters

Landing Rejection Letters

One of the saddest things to see seep into a wedding is the shift from a celebration of love between two ordinary but intertwined souls to a wedding that is little more than a status symbol. Instead of a celebration of mutual adoration there is a pompous formality convened with the sole purpose of showing-off the wealth and standing of the couple.  When the boom went bust and flashing the cash was no longer the ‘done’ thing, people moved to other avenues of more subtly illustrating status. It was no longer their nearest and dearest that were the prize invitees, they were just the spectators, instead it became about the celebrity invitee – the Government Minister, who is a dear friend of the family, don’tchaknoow, or the National Sports Hero who turns out to be a distant cousin twice removed of one of the intended, or the girl from the telly who once went to school with the bride’s sister for two years in primary school.

So for our wedding, as we battled over the guest list, refusing to invite anyone we had not seen face-to-face in the last year, no matter how influential or important they were in the wider world (with the exception of my Australian relatives), it tickled our fancy to consider all the truly important and wonderful people in the world who would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else, other than attending our wedding (because what else is a wedding for other than to mock the traditions and attitudes others in your society hold dear).

As we considered the decorations for our reception area, we thought what better centre pieces could there be other than ten rejection letters from the most influential people on the planet. For us it served as a reminder to enjoy the day for what it was – a celebration at the merger of two corporate giants  families.

To relay any concerns that we may actually have written to these people and be on some sort of government watch list ourselves, we did not; these are fictional forgeries of what could have been.

Difficulty   of Project: Super   Easy
Overall   Cost of Project: Price of   printing (so practically free)
Frames   for finished product
(Ikea Nyttja frames – 10 pictures x e3 per frame= e30)
Required   for this project: Google
Microsoft   Paint
Microsoft   Word
Access   to colour printer
A4   Frames
Wit
Duration   of project: Few   hours spread over a few weeks

1. To start we selected ten international figures from the world stage that, if we were as influential the Beckhams, we would invite to our wedding.  They were:

  1. The Obamas,
  2. Beyonce & Jay-Z,
  3. Mr Kipling (maker of the exceedingly good biscuits),
  4. Kim Jong Il and his son, Kim Jong Un (because it’s good to get rarely seen celebs at your party, plus he invented the desk – how cool is that!?),
  5. Clowns without Boarders (a real organisation that go to war-torn areas and do clown gags),
  6. Stephen Hawkins (a hero of ours),
  7. Will and Kate (because who knows, it’s not like they would be traveling that far),
  8. Agatha Christy (because I just love her, even though I know her arrival at our wedding would have signalled that zombie were amongst us) and
  9. Vladimir Putin (because it’s always good to have a villain)

2. Then we used their websites and google images to find images we could use to make our interpretation of their headed paper.

3. We wrote the letters we think we would have received from these people, adding funny footnotes, to reward those who really looked at them closely.

   1. The Obamas

Dear John & Cathy,

Thank you for your polite invitation, but given the terms of the restraining order, I feel it would be inappropriate for us to join you on your big day.

Hope all goes well for you guys,

Barack Obama – President of USA

 

Footnote;

Pursuant to federal law all government-produced materials appearing in this letter may not apply to the same value of truth as would normally be expected. The United States Government hold the right to interpret the value of truth by assignment, bequest, or otherwise.

2. Beyonce & Jay-Z,

Dear John & Cathy,

On behalf of Ms Knowles I would like to thank you for your very thoughtful invitation. However given that neither Beyonce nor Jay-Z have ever heard of you, they will not be joining you on your big day. I have enclosed an autographed picture as a consolation.

All the best for the future.

pp Taffy-Y

Sony Music Entertainment, Beyonce Management Team

 

Footnote:

This is an official letter from the Beyonce Management Team. Any mocking of the letter shall be interpreted as a mocking of Beyonce herself and will not be tolerated. Any views of opinion expresses within this letter do not necessarily represent the views of either the artist, Sony Entertainment, the artist’s Management Team, the person who sent the letter or the post men and women who delivered it. Please have a nice day.

3. Mr Kipling

Dearest John & Cathy,

How did you get this address??

Hoping you have an exceedingly good day,

Mr Kipling

4a. Kim Jong Il

Pathetic Infidels,

 

Submission of Form 58-74 책에, signalling your desire to have Supreme Leader of North Korea, His Excellency,Kim Jong-il, Party Centre; Superior Person; Dear, Respected, Wise, Brilliant, Unique, Great, Peerless Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have; Commander-in-Chief; Father of the People; Sun of the Communist Future; Shining Star of Paektu Mountain; Guiding Sun Ray; Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces; Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification; Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification; Fate of the Nation; Beloved Father; Leader of the Party, the country, and the Army; Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation; Beloved and Respected General, and Leader; Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander; Sun of Socialism; Sun of the Nation; The Great Sun of Life; World Leader of The 21st Century; Great Bright Sun of the 21st Century; Amazing politician; Glorious General, who Descended From Heaven; Supreme Leader of the Nation; Bright Sun of Juche; Leader of the Party and the People; Great Marshal; Invincible and Ever-triumphant General; Beloved and Respected Father; Guiding Star of the 21st Century; Great Man, Who Is a Man of Deeds; Great Defender; Savoir; Mastermind of the Revolution; Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love join you on Juche 101, 28th July has been rejected.

 

Retribution for the insolence shown by your submission shall follow.

Inmin Gun

Korean People’s Army

 

4b. and his son, Kim Jong Un

Dear Friends,

I have thought of you often since our time in Bern, and your invitation (although much interfered with and I think nibbled by our giant rabbits) drew me back to a carefree time in my life. However since my succession to my rightful place as Supreme Leader of the Universe, I no longer acknowledge the existence of the outside world, or the ghosts which reside therein.

Also, it may be of interest for you to note, that since your invitation to my father was received only days before his death, it has been viewed as a successful attack by the West on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. I am told plans for suitable retribution are underway.

Wishing you all the best in your married life.

 Kim Jong-un

5. Clowns without Boarders

Dear Sir/Madame,

Your communication was received 23rd June, 2012.

It is government policy not to negotiate with terrorists.

With violent radicals of any flag, there shall be no talks at any level. There is no foolish delusion that an argument can make peace. We do not engage, and we will not engage.

Release the clowns or the circus will have its retribution. Your reception will not be saved from frivolity.

Kind Regards,

President Barnes

 

Footnote:

Code of the Clown: The objective of this code is to provide a series of written guidelines of ethics for all clowns and artists who collaborate with Clowns Without Borders: The clown or collaborating artist will hold as fundamental objectives to better the situation of children who live in crisis situations of whatever type (conflict, natural disaster, social inequalities, etc.) in whatever part of the world. The main beneficiaries of CWB projects are children living in situations of crisis and the clown or collaborating artist will make no distinction between them for reasons of race, age, religion, culture, social situation or any other categorization when offering his/her work. For clowns and collaborating artists participating in CWB projects, volunteerism is the general rule. In respect to the clown/artist’s public image, he/she will not use the participation in humanitarian activities as a means to promote their professional career, separating clearly at all times such activities and not using his humanitarian work for publicity purposes or to promote his/her professional career, such as it may be.

 

6. Stephen Hawkins

Dear Sir / Madam,

Unfortunately Professor Hawking is unable to respond to specific scientific enquiries, academic theories, requests for voicemail service, party appearances or nuptial initiations. Please do not email these as although they may be valid, we simply do not have the resources to comment on them.

Kind Regards,

Judith Croasdell
PA to Stephen Hawking CH, CBE, FRS

 

Footnote:

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive: we’ve created life in our own image. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change, although it is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years. The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing? The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired. I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road. There are grounds for cautious optimism that we may now be near the end of the search for the ultimate laws of nature. To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit. We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

7. Will and Kate

Dear John & Cathy,

Despite the current campaign to make the House of Windsor appear more human and familiar to peasants such as yourselves, the fact remains that William and Catherine are not your friends, and therefore will not be attending your wedding.

We in the press-office however never turn down a good party – see you there!

pp. Persil Whayenstooth

 

Footnote:

simply a better class of person

8. Agatha Christy

Your Reference: Inappropriate Invitation

Our Reference: Crackpot Timewasters

 

Dear Mr Clarke & Ms Gibbons,

The insensitive nature of your invitation is matched only by its audacity.

Don’t save a seat or expect a gift.

Please see invoice for this letter attached.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Heartingsberg III

The Estate of Agatha Christy

 

Footnote:

Well, now dears, a marriage indeed. Yes, now. You see, I knew very well that something was afoot, what with all the fuss and whatnot, but I could not see it clearly what the thing was until the invitation arrived. My suspicions began when Miss Codswad slipped from the pier. I had been there myself earlier and had not found it unsafe, and given the calm seas could not see how it would become so. No. No, what happened was that Mrs Fidleton pushed Miss Codswad from the pier, when the two were out walking, hoping to disguise it in some way when Miss Codswad came from the water. She did not intend to kill her, just to somehow injure her, to prevent her from dancing at the wedding with Mr Flanderspoon, who would then have to ask another, leaving Miss Codswad in the company of Mr Fidleton Jr. Beauty can be as dangerous as wealth, much coveted and often inspiring the most dangerous of all: jealousy, and a mother does not like to see her son so distressed. Unfortunately Mrs Fidleton did not know that Miss Codswad suffered from Roxtoxiphobia, and when she reached the water the fear consumed her and she drowned. In a fit of panic, when Mrs Fidleton realised what was happening she herself jumped from the pier, which is when you happened upon the scene Inspector. Mrs Fidleton was not helping Miss Codswad because she loved her, but rather because she loved herself. Yes. Reminds me of the Brother’s Wife in Saint Mary Meade. Sad sort really. Hum  

9. Vladimir Putin

Dear Mr Clarke & Ms Gibbons,

Given that the date of your union has long been prophesied as being the day hell will freeze over and the world will end, I will be busy putting my affairs in order on that date.

Thank you for the early notification of the impending doom.

Yours Sincerely,

Vladimir Putin

Premier of Russia

Footnote:

All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia.

Were they a success?

Well we thought they were hilarious, and actually have them displayed in our landing. Some relatives were concerned that we would end up on some sort of watch list even if they were just forgeries. Others just didn’t get it – they didn’t understand why you would want to brag about people not wanting to come to your wedding. Others still talk about them to this day – as being one of the funniest parts of our slightly crazy wedding.

REJECTION LETTERS

a)      The Obamas,

W House

b)      Beyonce & Jay-Z

beyonce

c)       Mr Kipling

Kipling

d)      Kim Jong Il and his son

 Kim Jong-ilKim Jong-Un

e)      Clowns without Boarders

clowns

f)       Stephen Hawkins

hawking

g)      Will and Kate

royalh)      Agatha Christy

marplei)        Vladimir Putin

Vlad

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s