Horrible Christmas

horrible christmas

I won’t force the whole office to partake in corporate frivolity just because my department is quiet and I am bored, because I know every other department is really busy coming up to the end of the year, trying to get projects finished before we break for the holidays.” said no HR person in history ever.

Now, don’t get me wrong, that last day or two before we break for Christmas holidays, I too am in the Christmas mood. I want to crank up Christmas FM and eat turkey for lunch, but not 4 weeks before the Christmas holidays. Not on December 1st. On December 1st I have work to do. I have a whole month of work to do before we break for the holidays and every day in that month is precious, because it’s usually the month we discover something was promised to be completed in this calendar year that has yet to be even started. It’s a very busy time for me and my team and I have no energy for people stealing that time, by wishing it away or planning corporate events that eat up hours with very little return.

I don’t know what it is about Christmas that brings out the worst in the HR department. For 11 months they are a functional, efficient department, but as soon as December 1st rolls around, out come the corporate bonding activates “Each department should decorate their work stations, and we will have a competition to see who wins”, the money wasting ideas “We have ordered gold chalices to give out as prizes at the Christmas Dinner for the people we think are the best employees, even though we have no idea how to judge who is the ‘best’ in this office as we really have no idea what you guys do, oh, and by the way, the Christmas Party this year is in the Taj Mahal” and the time wasting activities “We are forming a Corporate Christmas Choir to sing to the poor unfortunates in area surrounding head office {like their lives wasn’t hard enough around this time of year} and because we hear you run a church choir it is now mandatory that you are involved, to show corporate spirit.”

So this year, in an act of petty retaliation, I have created Horrible Christmas. It is the antithesis of what Christmas should be, because for me a corporation celebrating a religious, family holiday is the antithesis of what Christmas should be.

I started with the tree. Scared snowmen, gangrene toe in a Christmas sock, ginger bread men half eaten and terrified, rotten amputated fingers – these are the items which will adorn my corporate Christmas tree. The tree itself shall be two broken bald sticks tied together with string, badly, plunged into a pot of dirt.

Behind the tree shall be Santa’s tombstone, giving the date of the corporate memo as the date Santa died. And a skull just to underline that message (and because I already own a cool one).

Garlands shall adorn the walls – dancing zombies returning from the dead to delight in this mangled feast. Above those messages of ill-will to all far and near, so all those who gather to wonder at my creation shall be clear on the message. I thought “Winter is coming” might be a clear indication to the frosty reception those bringing good cheer to my department before December 23rd is likely to receive and “This is the winter of our discontent” signalling why we are doing it and when it is likely to stop.

Presents were next, to hang under the tree. These will be the only gifts exchanged by my department in the Korporate Kris Kindle. Gifts shall include a battery with the message ‘toy not included’, crocheted shorts, coal, tic-tacs relabled ‘snowman poo’, headless elves.

Food is next – biscuits depicting the inevitable slow painful death of all snowmen.

And the piece de resistance, a sign for the only corporate choir I will be partaking in, Foul Ole Ron’s Christmas Carollers and the Methadone Waiting List Band who at 8pm will be ‘playing the spoons to your favourite tunes’.

If all that doesn’t get us black listed from enforced corporate cheer I don’t know what will, now can we all just get back to work, there is still a month to go?!

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