In the run up to Valentines I thought we would reach out to our favourite single lady: Maire, to see if she had any sage words about surviving this annual treat. Here is what she offered …..
Are you single? Are you crying every day because your life has no meaning without someone else to validate it? Do you fear family occasions, such as weddings? Are you wondering how you will fill the void of life until death? Is your biological clock whacking you in the face every morning? Are you worried that you’re becoming a burnt out husk with zero capacity for love? Do you feel like you need the special tax breaks that come with being married? Are you terrified of being alone for ever?
Well fear not, I’m a singleness expert and I’m here to help.
Worried about dying alone?
Well doesn’t everyone die alone? Unless you’ve entered into some sort of death-pact with someone. And if you have, more power to you! Marriage and romantic partnership can’t hold a candle to the commitment of a death pact!
Worried about dying and not being found for days/eaten by cats?
Look, you’ll be dead. This is important, because it will mean you won’t have to clean the mess up. And let’s face it, it’s better than worrying about who will feed you cats. You’ll be feeding your cats. If you really don’t want to be eaten by cats, don’t get cats. The only reason cats don’t eat you while alive is that you’re bigger than them… Do you have a cat now? Do you wonder if it’s thinking about eating your delicious flesh? I promise you that it absolutely is.
What if I’m unlovable?
If you’re unlovable well then you’re better off single. If you were unlovable and in a relationship that’d be really crap. Your cheeky smile after you stinked up the bathroom would have no effect. And there’d be nothing to mitigate the annoying sounds you make while you sleep. In short you’d probably end up murdered. Do you want to be murdered?
What about love?
I’m going to be serious here for a minute. Romantic love is not the only form of love, and romantic heartbreak is not the only form of heartbreak. If you want love in your life, then cultivate it in the relationships you already have with family and friends, and the weird guy in the shop or whoever. I can’t promise they won’t break your heart though.
What about children?
Some people have the urge to procreate. Some people do not. Some people aren’t sure. If you really want to have children more than anything else, then find a way to do that. You can be single and have children – many people do. There are also lots of non-single people who don’t have children. If you want to have children, my advice to you, is to ask someone else for advice.
Practical things – events, family celebrations and the like
Now we’re getting to the nub of it. You want a buddy… as a society the only buddy we automatically accept is the romantic buddy. The one where there’s a tacit arrangement of ‘I drag you to the stuff I have to go to, and I’ll let you drag me to yours’. Being single is that crap is automatically cut down by 50%.
For weddings you’ve got two options – you can seek out a different buddy, perhaps a friend who enjoys bad bands, cake and rock the boat, and just say ‘feck it’ and have the craic. The other option is going stag. As a single person you might not even get a +1 invite, so you might not be allowed the buddy option. This is because people assume that you’re tough enough to get through all of life without a buddy, you’re tough enough to brave all their relatives, awkward situations and an empty dancefloor, alone. I’ve gone stag to a wedding a few times, and on one occasion where I only knew the bride. I survived that last one by making alcohol my buddy. If you don’t drink, I’m sorry I can’t help you.
Holiday compatibility is a hard thing to find. Romantic partners might not be holiday compatible, and you could be stuck with them. Don’t think of holidays as a fixed thing. As a single person you’re free to holiday alone or with whomever, so you can tag along on trips that other people are planning, plan trips with other single friends, take some extra days to explore by yourself. Basically what I’m saying is you’re actually in a better situation than couples.
What else is there? Some people don’t like going to the pub or cinema by themselves. Seriously just go – it’s totally fine. Enjoy a nice relaxing pint without someone gabbing in your ear once in a while. Sure you might be the talk of the pub, but you’re bad ass, so who gives a shit. And as for cinema, I just don’t get it. Just go. If you feel very self conscious buy two popcorns, it will look like your buddy is on the way.
There are awesome things about being single that we don’t really talk about.
- You are badass enough to go through life without a safety buddy. Bad Ass!
- You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
- You don’t do anyone else’s laundry or housework.
- You live longer (if you are a lady).
- If you buy that games console, no one gets to badger you about it.
- You can date whoever you want.
- You have only your own baggage to deal with.
- You can sleep in the diagonal starfish position.
- If people feel sorry for you and your life without a partner and kids, you can tell them how you spent Saturday asleep until 1pm, and watch them cry over their wasted life.
This Valentine’s Day look around and have a heart for the people who are forced to cram into crowded, overpriced restaurants, and express their love for one another, only to be then disappointed that it isn’t everything they’ve dreamed of.