Having established the strong possibility that I run on the villainous side of life, I started wondering if my current set-up really reflected the ‘true’ me. The first step for any self-respecting serious arch-nemesis is establishing a sufficiently intimidating hidden base.
The problem being the obvious choices are so passé and bothersome: the moon-base that no visitors can reach, the volcano where every rumble raises the question ‘is it really extinct?’, the under-the-sea-cave that springs a leak very time there is the slightest earth tremor, the dessert island where you have to supply your own booby-traps or the concrete bunker that won’t get wifi.
No, all of these lack what the new age of super-villain demands today. We need amenities. We need to be close to parks where we can walk the hounds of hell, a choice of schools for our darling spawn of evil, space where our minions can have some well-deserved R&R after a hard day trying to take over the world.
To this end, I give you the Shopping Centre.
As a member of the commercial community you can harness synergies to bring down costs while increasing productivity.
- A prebuilt unit, constructed under consultation with top security advisers, means a rotating shift of as few as five henchmen will be required to maintain security.
- Henchmen can be registered as private contractors rather than employees, saving on annual Christmas Party
- Booby traps can be accounted for as capital investment in the property and therefore registered as a tax deductible at the year end
- Minions can avail of the new Corporate Training Hub registering for such courses as
- Villainy: The Law and You
- Shoot-Out First Aid for Beginners
- “You’ve Been Framed”: What Should You Do Now?
“But won’t everyone see my operation and nefarious plotting?” I hear you ask.
No, with their fully customizable store front, the public will pass unaware of the scheming within. Any hero who should pass the door will have to navigate such horrors as ‘helpful assistants’, ‘disorientating lighting’, ‘a clawing stench’, ‘customer selfie sticks’ and ‘constantly moving stock’ before they breach the first line of defense.
The future is now. The future is a destination whose catchment area reaches well beyond the Pale. The future is The Shopping Centre.